“Externalizing” is a way of thinking and talking about a problem so that it is seen as separate from the person experiencing it. By imagining the problem as a separate entity, we can get creative with how we address it.

I was all the more shocked when breastfeeding was painful, stressful, and a massive trigger for immense sadness and intrusive thoughts.

Where were the beautiful bonding moments? Where were the hours of gazing at my baby in a blissful fog? Why was this so hard?

This past year and a half, as I struggled with my mental health postpartum, my new identity as a mother, a new baby, and a pandemic, I have found myself almost desperate to be outside. Part of this was likely the fact that being outside was one of the only consistent activities allowed to us since the pandemic began, but it felt like something bigger than that to me.

It felt like a calling.

As my daughter grew and changed, the bundle on my bookshelf stayed the same. Sometimes I’d find myself looking at her and thinking, “She’s not home anymore.” But where is home when you’re a bundle?