How Breast/Chestfeeding Affected My Mental Health

Note: I have included the term chestfeeding in the title to honour those for whom “breastfeeding” does not fit. I will be using the term breastfeeding to refer to my own experience.

For some people, breastfeeding or chestfeeding is a wonderful experience. For others, it can be a source of anxiety, stress, and pain.

I always assumed I would breastfeed my daughter- my mother had breastfed my brother and I without any issues, so I was determined to do the same. I thought I had everything in place to nurse to a year, maybe even eighteen months- I had a supportive partner, read the recommended books, and used some of our prenatal doula hours to engage in breastfeeding education.

So I was all the more shocked when breastfeeding was painful, stressful, and a massive trigger for immense sadness and intrusive thoughts.

Where were the beautiful bonding moments? Where were the hours of gazing at my baby in a blissful fog? Why was this so hard?

Unfortunately, my breastfeeding journey was a perfect storm of challenges. Unexplained pain (that was eventually explained 8 months postpartum when my daughter was discovered to have both a lip and tongue tie), postpartum anxiety, birth trauma, and a diagnosis of D-MER* all played a part in my experience. AND STILL, I couldn’t let myself stop, because I just kept thinking, “next week I’ll figure it out- next week will be different.” But it wasn’t.

Looking back, I wish that I had stopped earlier than I did. I could have avoided not only a substantial amount of physical pain, but mental and emotional pain as well. I might have enjoyed that special bonding time with my daughter more if I had allowed myself to give her a bottle, and just focused on holding and loving her in those moments. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of the fact that I nursed her for as long as I did, but now I can also see the anguish that was an avoidable part of my breastfeeding journey as well.

So, all of this is to say, fed is best is best is best.

And if you are suffering in this postpartum period, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, reach out- there is help available.

*Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex, or D-MER, is a physiological condition that results in an intensely negative emotional response during letdown.